R' Shimon ben Gamliel said, "There were no festivals in Israel as great as the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur, for on these days the maidens of Jerusalem would go out, wearing borrowed white garments (to avoid embarrassing those poor girls who did not have fine clothes). They would dance in the vineyards and say, 'Young man, lift your eyes and see what you are choosing. Do not look for superficial beauty... because "False is grace and vain is beauty; a G-d fearing woman - she should be praised. Give her the fruits of her hand, and let her be praised in the gates by her very own deeds'" (Mishlei 31:30-31, Taanis 26b).
The festival of Shavuos marks the greatest event in Jewish history, the giving of the Torah. Passover commemorates the miraculous deliverance from Egypt. Sukkos represents Hashem's protection of the Israelites, encircling their encampment with the Clouds of Glory. Yet, none of these momentous festivals merit comparison to Yom Kippur. Rather, the day that is compared to the most sacred day of the year, is the day when shidduchim were made! Certainly, there is a message here, and the message is clear: Yom Kippur is the zenith of holiness. So is marriage.
What has gone wrong that we have suffered an epidemic of divorces, with tragic effects on both spouses but possible catastrophic effects on the children?
Perhaps the answer is in the parenthetical remark. The young women wore borrowed clothes (to avoid embarrassing those poor girls who did not have fine clothes). This was the crux of the ritual: sensitivity to another person's feelings. Taking steps to make sure that no one is made to feel less than others. The practice of wearing only borrowed clothes sent a powerful message.
On Yom Kippur we indeed ask for forgiveness from Hashem, but if we look closely at the sins enumerated in the al chet, we see that most them are interpersonal offenses: utterance of the lips, immorality, wronging a neighbor, contempt for parents and teachers, foolish speech, bribery, denial and false promises, evil talk, scorning, dishonest commercial dealings, interest and extortion haughtiness, brazenness, entrapping a neighbor, obstinacy, gossip-mongering, baseless hatred. Because these behaviors are forbidden by the Torah, we ask Hashem's forgiveness, but the Talmud says that Hashem will not forgive offenses against another person until one has apologized, made amends and asked forgiveness from another person.
The practice of young women dancing in borrowed clothes to protect the dignity of those who do not have fine clothes is a lesson on the importance of sensitivity to other's feelings, and this is also an important theme of Yom Kippur.
Some people may feel that the close relationship between husband and wife exempts them from observing the Torah laws governing interpersonal behavior. A person may think he is free to manifest anger toward the other spouse, behavior which he would not exhibit socially. Among the sins we confess are: utterance of the lips, foolish speech, evil talk, wronging a neighbor, brazenness, obstinacy. These sins are equally as grievous whether committed against one's spouse or any other person.
Observing Torah of course requires refraining from working on Shabbos, and eating kosher foods, but it does not stop there. Behaving in a demeaning manner toward a wife or husband is no less a sin than eating tereifah foods.
We are told that Hashem makes His presence much closer to us in the ten days from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur. But we can bring Hashem's imminent presence closer to us at any time. The Talmud says that when there is a harmonious relationship between husband and wife, Hashem makes His presence there (Sotah 17a).
R' Shlomo Zalman Auerbach was escorted to his home by several of his students. Before he entered the house, he paused, brushed off his frock and straightened his hat. He said to his students, "The Talmud says that when there is a harmonious relationship between husband and wife, Hashem makes His presence there. I am about to enter into Hashem's imminent presence, so I must appear decent."
Giving the fifteenth of Av an importance equivalent to Yom Kippur should set us thinking on Yom Kippur, "Have I been as sensitive to my wife's/husband's feeling as I should have been? Have I made my home a shrine for Hashem's presence?" These are issues which may require profound teshuvah.
Strangely enough, corrective actions are often taken by those who need it least.
A woman complained to R' Aryeh Levin (the subject of the book entitled, "A Tzaddik in Our Time") that her husband was mistreating her. Inasmuch as her husband davened at R' Levin's shul, she asked him to reprimand her husband. R' Levin said, "If I do so, he may be very angry at you for telling me, and that may make matters worse. I will look for an opportunity to give him rebuke without involving you."
R' Levin used to give a shiur in the interval between minchah and maariv, and one day spoke about how husbands must relate to their wives with consideration and respect.
R' Issur Zalman Melzer, who was R' Levin's teacher, was present in the shul at this time. He said to R' Levin, "I must thank you for bringing up that subject. It made me think whether I am relating to my wife with adequate respect and consideration."
It is questionable whether the man at whom R' Levin's shiur was targeted heard the message. R' Issur Zalman, who hardly needed it, was the one who heard it.
We do much reflection on Yom Kippur about our behavior toward others. The fifteenth of Av should remind us of the importance of sensitivity at home.