Who is at the center of one's universe? This intriguing question has a most profound effect on one's life and destiny. The Chovos Halevavos reminds us that if one has Hashem as the center, what naturally follows is a hakoras hatov - recognition and appreciation of all the good that He does on one's behalf. His taking us out of Egypt is not just a monumental moment in our history, but obligates us and provides us with the privilege to reciprocate to Him; we owe Him. "Kol haneshama t'hallel Kah, Hallelukah" (Tehillim 150:6) is to be understood not only that each individual praises Him, but also that we owe him a debt of gratitude for each and every breath that we are fortunate to breathe. If He is absent from that center, but man himself is there, then man can live a most arrogant lifestyle with the attitude that everything is coming to him and he owes nothing to anybody.
The Torah informs us that man was created in the image of G-d (Bereishis 1:27) which, among other meanings, indicates man's ability to emulate his Maker. Indeed, in the 611th mitzvah of "v'halachta b'drachav" (Devarim 28:9) man is commanded to emulate Hashem. The Torah tells us that in the beginning of creation, all vegetation and herbage was created but had not yet sprouted, "for Hashem had not yet sent rain upon the Earth, and there was no man to work the soil" (Bereishis 2:5.) Rashi cites the Talmud (Chulin 60b) that Hashem waited for man to realize the requirement for rain in order for vegetation to grow, and thus to be appreciative of the rain. Hashem's first lesson to Adam was to be a makir tov - someone who is appreciative of the good bestowed upon him. Indeed, the Maharal (in his Gur Aryeh) adds, "it is forbidden to extend goodness to one who does not appreciate it." Moreover, based on this Maharal one can derive a deeper meaning of the verse "lo tov heyos ha'adam l'vado - it is not good that man be alone" (Bereishis 2:18.) A deeper understanding of this possuk is that he cannot be tov - good if he has no one to extend goodness to. Thus, Ksav V'halkabalah explains that when the Torah repeats, "and Hashem saw that it was good" throughout creation it is not that Hashem was glowing and bragging in self aggrandizement over His accomplishment, but rather Hashem saw that His creation could be shared and thus extend goodness to others, namely mankind.
Indeed, the Ramban (Bamidbar 7:2-5) notes that Hashem was makir tov to the nesi'im on the occasion of the dedication of the Mishkan. Why was it necessary to repeat the identical offering of each of the twelve prince times when the Torah could have stated it once and informed us that each of the twelve offered it? The Ramban answers that it was Hashem's way of saying thank you to each nasi for not trying to outdo and exceed the offering of the previous day. Since they all conformed in modesty and extended dignity to each other, Hashem thus responded in kind and showed hakaras hatov to each nasi.
It is interesting to note, that on the very opening word of the Torah, "Bereishis", the commentaries see not only the dimension of when, but why. For what reason did Hashem create the world? Rashi cites Chazal's explanation that it was created for the Torah and for Bnei Yisroel, both of which are called "reishis". The Rabbis (Medrash Yalkut Shimoni, Bereishis 1:2) add the third understanding that is for bikurim, the mitzvah of bringing the first fruits to the Beis Hamikdash accompanied by the recitation of a paragraph of thanksgiving to Hashem. Of all the mitzvos in the Torah, why single out bikurim as a reason for creation? The answer, as many of our mussar teachers note, is to impress upon us from the very first word of the Torah the centrality of hakaras hatov, specifically as applied to expressing our thanks to Hashem.
Indeed, our very name "Yehudim", commonly translated as "Jews", in reality stems from Yehuda whose birth was accompanied by his mother's appreciation of the kindness and generosity of Hashem (Bereishis 29:35.) Moreover, the mishnah (Berachos 54a) teaches that one is to be "modeh al ha'avar v'tzoek al heated - grateful and thankful for the past, and pray with fervor for the future." Built into our spiritual DNA is the obligation for ethical behavior, namely to be humble, to take note and realize that we could not do it alone, and to therefore show gratitude for all who help us in any way.
While the Yalkut Shimoni at the beginning of the Book of Vayikra lists nine other names that Moshe had, the name "Moshe" is the only name used in the Torah for the greatest of the prophets. This name is the one that expresses gratitude to the Egyptian princess who saved his life.
It is thus most understandable that included in parshas Ki Teitzei, with its seventy four mitzvos, is the prohibition of allowing a male member of Ammon and Moav from marrying into the Jewish nation. The Torah states (23:5), "because of the fact that they did not greet you with bread and water on the road when you were leaving Egypt, and because he hired against you Bilam to curse you." At first glance this seems like a rather harsh response to their lack of hospitality. However, it goes much deeper on two levels. Firstly, these two nations are descendants of Lot, Avraham's nephew. The Torah states explicitly, "Thus it was that, when God destroyed the cities of the Plain and annihilated the cities where Lot dwelt, God was mindful of Abraham and removed Lot from the midst of the upheaval" (Bereishis 19:29.) Rashi cites the Medrash that Hashem rewarded Lot for his silence in Egypt, when Avraham told the authorities that Sara was his sister (12:13) and he, Lot, knew the truth but not contradict and betray his uncle. Hashem recognized the good that Lot had done and saved him. When the male descendants of Lot who refused to be hospitable to a nation, indeed a relative, that had been persecuted in Egypt, this revealed a character flaw of such great significance that the Torah forbade our marrying these men. In addition, note that Lot had the trait of keeping silent, and had learned from his uncle hachnasas orchim - hospitality. Yet his very progeny betrayed him on both accounts. Moav hired Bilam to curse the Jewish people and Ammon was inhospitable.
Why does Avraham sent Eliezer to find a wife for Yitzchak and Avraham does not choose a daughter of one of the thousands of his disciples? The Ran (Drashos HaRan drasha 5) explains that it is relatively easy to change a person's thinking and perspective, their dei'os, and thus remove idolatry from their mindset. It is, however, most challenging and difficult to change a person's middos - character traits. The people of Cannan were of vile character. The Torah is thus teaching us what to look for in a bride, i.e. someone who is selfless rather than someone who is selfish.
The trait of being makir tov, acknowledging the good performed on your behalf, leads to a greater degree of happiness in life. Perhaps this is so because one lives without a sense of entitlement, as Yaakov states, "katonti mikal hachasadim...asher asisa es avdecha - I am diminished and overwhelmed by all the kindnesses... that You have done on behalf of your servant" (Bereishis 32:11.) and therefore one is truly grateful for whatever comes his way. Moreover, hakaras hatov empowers. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz (Sichos Mussar 32:32) notes that Eliyahu Hanavi and Elisha, his disciple, both performed the miracle of techiyas hameiseim - resurrecting the dead, and yet didn't revive their parents and/or other loved ones. Rav Shmuelevitz explains that they each, having been the recipient of generous hospitality, were enabled by their great sense of gratitude, true hakaras hatov, to revive the respective young men. In the not too distant days of aseres yemei teshuva we will recite in every shemoneh esrei, "zachreinu l'chaim", asking Hashem to remember us for life. May we be able to honestly say that we have utilized the gift of life until now to serve Hashem and his people and thus be able to ask for an extension of His beneficence.
The gemara (Bava Kama 92b) teaches, "the wine belongs to the host, yet we say thank you to the waiter who pours the wine." Why do we thank the waiter? I believe the Talmud is teaching us that we are to be individuals who acknowledge the benefits bestowed upon us by others. Rather than rationalizing to ourselves, "after all, it's not his wine, and he's being paid to wait on me", we are to express gratitude. Similarly, regarding our parents, we did not ask to be born and yet we are to ever acknowledge the good they did, and do, for us. The same is true regarding one's spouse. A husband might be the breadwinner in the family, but his wife deserves the proper recognition and respect for the environment she creates in the home. After all is said and done, hakoras hatov may be even more important for our character refinement than it is to the provider of the service.