Under the chuppah, and throughout the week of sheva berachos that follows, we repeatedly bless the chosson and kallah, "Sameach te'samach reiyim ha'ahuvim ke'samechacha yetzircha be'gan eden mi'kedem" - "Let the beloved friends be happy just as You made Your creation happy in the garden of Eden, long ago." The comparison of marriage to friendship is rooted in the Gemara (Kiddushin 41a) which states, "It is forbidden for a man to betroth a woman until he sees her, lest he find something distasteful in her afterwards, which will cause him to resent her and violate that which the Torah says, 'And you shall love your friend as yourself' (Vayikra 19:18)." The assertion of the Gemara that the mandate to establish and maintain marital harmony is dictated by the pasuk, "And you shall love 'le'reiyacha - your friend' as yourself," implies that there is a substantive similarity between the spousal relationship and the bonds of friendship. Other than the superficial comparisons, how are marriage and friendship supposed to be alike? In what way is the familiar modality of friendship meant to guide a young couple that is aspiring to build a new life together?
There are two features of friendship, specifically implied by the term "reiyim ha'ahuvim" - "beloved friends," that every couple must adopt and embrace in order to create a successful marriage. A generic friend can be described as a "chaver," derived from the word "chibbur" - "connection", which connotes two individuals who have a shared history or common interest. However, a friend who is "reiyacha" refers to an intimate companion and partner with whom one shares more than just a casual association or occasional conversation.
Rav Hutner z"l, (Pachad Yitzchak, Michtavim 87) notes that the word "reiyah" is related to the word "teruah" - the broken sound of the shofar, and always signifies a smaller piece broken off from a larger whole. In the intervening generations between Noach and Avraham, Peleg begot a son named Re'u (Breishis 11:18). Just like "peleg" means "a faction", one party in a larger political system and population, so too the word "re'u" signifies a fragment of a bigger unit. In the pasuk, "And you shall love your friend as yourself," a fellow Jew is called "reiyacha", to convey that we should consider all Jews as satellites of ourselves. This theme flows from the first half of that very same pasuk (Vayikra 19, 18) which prohibits taking revenge or bearing a grudge against another Jew. The Yerushalmi (Nedarim 9, 4) explains that just as it is obviously asinine for the left hand to take revenge against the right hand for cutting it accidentally with a knife, so too it is equally absurd and unproductive for one Jew to take revenge against his fellow Jew, since they are essentially two limbs of the same torso.
This notion serves as the basis for the principle of collective responsibility amongst Jews known as "kol Yisrael areivim zeh ba'zeh" (Sanhedrin 27b, Shavuos 39a). If one Jew sins or performs a mitzvah it is as if all Jews have sinned or performed a mitzvah. Rav Yosef Bloch z"l (Shiurei Daas, Vol. 1 Page 155) comments that the language of the Gemara is deliberate and precise. Chazel do not say "kol Yisrael areivim zeh la'zeh" - "all Jews are responsible for one another" but rather "kol Yisrael areivim zeh ba'zeh" - "all Jews are responsible in one another", because each Jew is imbedded in his friend and part of the larger organism called Klal Yisrael[1]. The paradigm for this kind of arrangement goes all the way back to the marriage between Adam and Chava in Gan Eden where they were initially created and contained within the same physical body. Even after they were split into two separate beings the intention remained the same, for them to function as two parts of the same entity. In our blessing to the chosson and kallah to rejoice as "reiyim ha'ahuvim" - "beloved friends" we are reminding them that while they might have entered the chuppah as two individuals they should exit as one team, united in the spirit of mutual concern and responsibility and modeled after the template of Adam and Chava in their original iteration in Gan Eden - ke'samechacha yetzircha be'gan eden mi'kedem", where they were literally one person.
Presumably, the word "reiyacha" is also linked to the word "ra" - "bad", because the role of a friend is to be supportive during the good times as well as the bad. The concept of a friend is first mentioned in the Torah in Parshas Vayeishev. After Yehudah cast the deciding vote condemning Yosef, he was demoted in the eyes of his brothers, at which point "Chirah reiy'eihu ha'adulami" - "Chirah his Adullamite friend" appeared at his side. Subsequently, when Yehudah's wife passed away and he himself became entangled with his daughter in law Tamar, Chirah emerged again, to accompany and assist Yehudah at every step along the way. Rav Simchah Bunim of Peshischa z"l (Siach Sarfei Kodesh, Parshas Vayeishev) concludes from the timing and context of Chirah's entrance that a true friend is a confidant who is sympathetic and encouraging even during the darkest hour of personal failures and frustrations.
Every person should strive to be and acquire this kind of friend, as the Mishnah in Avos (1:6) advises "acquire for yourself a friend and judge all men favorably". The Rambam (ad loc.) defines one aspect of friendship as "when a man has a friend to whom he can confide his soul, not keeping anything from him - not in action and not in speech. And he will make him know all his affairs - the good ones and the disgraceful - without fearing from him that any loss will come to him as a result." In order to become this kind of friend it is necessary to "judge all men favorably", that is to discover and reinforce the positive qualities that reside within every individual. Similarly, when we wish the chosson and kallah, "sameach te'samach reiyim ha'ahuvim", we are instructing them to be supportive of each other even in the face of adversity and failure, when times are "ra" - "bad". Again, the language here is deliberate and precise. "Reiyim ha'ahuvim" means "beloved friends", not "loving friends", because each spouse must be made to feel loved and cherished despite their shortcomings, as if they have a personal cheerleader who always has their back even after a loss or when times are tough.
On Thursday nights, Rebbi Shimon Kalish z"l, the Rebbe of Skernowitz, would venture into slums of Warsaw to distribute tzedakah. However, as he crouched down to put the money into each eager and needy hand, he would whisper into the ear of every recipient, "I would love to give you this as a gift but unfortunately I am only able to give it to you as a loan which I fully expect you to repay." If they hesitated upon hearing the terms, the Rebbe would add, "Do you accept? I am trusting you. I have confidence you will pay me back." One week, upon overhearing this exchange, the chasidim challenged the Rebbe, "Why did the Rebbe give it to them as a loan? There is no chance that they will pay the Rebbe back, and now, aside from their other troubles, they will likely also be delinquent on the debt and in arrears." The Rebbe responded, "If I were to give them a gift, they might have some money in their pocket for a day or two, but they would still have a broken spirit. By giving them a loan, and informing them that I fully expect to be paid back, I am repairing their perception of themselves. Wherever they go, my words will accompany them, whispering into their ear, "I relied on you, because I trust you and I believe in you." Nothing is more valuable than a friendly voice whispering in our ear words of encouragement and reassurance.
If we recognize that we are all part of a larger network united in the service of Hashem, may we all be blessed to build and maintain healthy marriages and families where every member of the home feels loved and supported even when times are challenging.
[1] Cf. Medrash Tehillim (8:4) and Breishis Rabasi (38:12) where the language of "zeh la'zeh" is used.